Monday, May 3, 2010

Mother's Day -- Bittersweet for Motherless Daughters

I rushed into the grocery store and headed toward the deli. The strategically placed Mother’s Day card display did exactly what it was supposed to do ... it stopped me in my tracks. And then I quietly broke down into tears. I navigated my way through the grocery store with bleary eyes, loaded the groceries into my car, and then sobbed all the way home. It’s strange how the most wonderful days can also be the most bittersweet. While I’m thrilled that I am a mother and I know that my children are planning my annual celebration, I mourn the loss of my own mom.

This year marks my tenth Mother’s Day as a motherless daughter. My mother’s sudden and unexpected death on June 22, 2000 turned my world upside down. In hindsight, my mom really was a heart attack waiting to happen. She had all the risk factors ... a sedentary lifestyle, overweight, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and she was a social smoker for decades.

I will remember the last week of my mom’s life for the rest of mine. I can only describe everything that happened as “surreal.” She wasn’t feeling well, but like so many women, my mother ignored the signs of a heart attack (chest pressure, difficulty breathing, pain in her arm, nausea). When, according to the American Heart Association, heart disease and strokes are actually the number one killer of women. In fact, one in 2.5 women die of heart disease, stroke and other cardiovascular diseases, compared with one in 30 who die of breast cancer.

It seemed so unfair to lose someone so young—my mother was only 67 when she died. I figured I had 20 to 30 more years with her. I fully expected her to cry at my daughter’s wedding and hold my grandchildren in her arms. We all have struggled with our “if onlys” and “should haves.” If only she had gone to the doctor earlier, perhaps they could have figured out what was wrong. If only I had been there, I know CPR. But “if onlys’” can drive you crazy.

But my mom taught me so much during her life, and in death she is teaching me still. Her death has changed the way I will live the rest of my life. I will no longer let the little things bother me, my family will never come second again, and I will not put things off until tomorrow. And I also try to take good care of myself. I encourage other women to do the same.

And so, while my mother, Phyllis Portoghese, did not lead a corporation or travel the world, she touched the lives of so many. And as her children and our children continue to touch the lives of others, her memory and her purpose lives on. That is her legacy. I have made it mine.

On Friday May 7, I will support the fight against heart disease by wearing red and attending the Go Red For Women Mother’s Day luncheon in Orlando. In past years, I actually shared my mother’s story ... and I share it again here in the hope that it will encourage other women to take care of themselves and never to ignore the symptoms. It’s a message from the heart.

4 comments:

  1. As always, you write beautifully about a loss we both share that is still as fresh today as it was in 2000. May your wonderful memories keep her light alive forever. Lisa

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  2. Thank you for sharing not only about your loss but also about your joys. I can't wait to read more!

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  3. love it! Hope you are comforted by time with your beautiful family and cherished memories!

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  4. First; great blog. It made me teary eyed as I read through it. I fortunately haven't lost my mom; however about a month ago I did lose my father. It was mostly an internal struggle for me; as I really didn't want to believe that he was gone.

    You get so use to people being there; whether it be walking distance, driving distance, or just daily emails or ims --- you forgot that sometimes people are taken without any notice. My father died of a heart attack; he had a family history of heart problems so in retrospect it was probable. He had the symptoms; and towards the end of 2009 he had gone in to see a doctor about chest pains, and other very common symptoms.

    I think what killed me about the whole situation is that he was all alone when he passed. He was in our home country half way around the world playing caretaker to his in-laws. My mother and father would fly back and forth for 6 months stents to spend time with my very sick and elderly grandparents. And at the end of it all; my grandparents outlived my father. Neither my mother, my brother, or I were able to say goodbye before he left us. The only real joy of my father’s passing; as if there were any; is the satisfaction of knowing that he did not suffer --- he went in his sleep.

    I feel your pain --- it’s tragic when you think people will live to a ripe 80 or 90 years of their life. You expect them to be there for all the milestones of your life and of your children’s lives. I can only pray that he’s looking down at us all --- as we make our journey through life and accomplish everything we set our hearts to. And yes, if I really think about all the “what ifs” or “could haves” --- I think I would go crazy. Life is a beautiful series of lessons that make you stronger yet put things into perspective along the way. Appreciate what you have; live everyday as if it were you last and never forgot the path you took to get where you are; that’s my motto.

    And I did want to mention, as a side note; FAS Windows & Doors was a proud media sponsor of the Go Red for Women’s Luncheon last Friday. We are proud to support such a great cause to elevate community awareness. We actually blogged about the event on our website, and even had a representative at the luncheon. The event was very elegantly presented. We are all looking forward to next year’s event!

    Thanks again for the blog --- it definitely brought a few tears to my eyes.

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